Epitaph to an NPC

Some might say John doe was an amazing companion, bandit and friend
More than enough to stick with to the end
But I knew none of that
I just ran him over until he was flat

Here Lies Vanna Jorgrenson

Died to a Hulk and an unfortunately placed minefield.

You were the best corpse pulper.

RIP day 75

Somewhere lie Valencia Dumas and Olivia Dunn.

Faithful followers for over a year, completely loyal, utterly badass and with a matching mutation set to myself.

Left them to guard my deathwagon, returned to find them gone without a trace, other than a ghostly error message when I tried to move the vehicle… Killed by a glitch in the universe.

So ended my will to continue that run.

RIP, second Autumn, day 2.

[quote=“Solusphere, post:23, topic:11986”]Somewhere lie Valencia Dumas and Olivia Dunn.

Faithful followers for over a year, completely loyal, utterly badass and with a matching mutation set to myself.

Left them to guard my deathwagon, returned to find them gone without a trace, other than a ghostly error message when I tried to move the vehicle… Killed by a glitch in the universe.

So ended my will to continue that run.

RIP, second Autumn, day 2.[/quote]
They have quite literally gone to a better place.

Here lies Korey Flaherty.
Died: Spring, Day 21
Cause of death: Exceptionally poor judgement

Korey fancied himself a “killer for hire.” We greeted each other politely the first couple of times we bumped into each other in my starting town. He seemed kind of surly, and my buddy Ash was already getting on my nerves, so I didn’t try to recruit him.

On Spring 21, Ash and I had packed some supplies into a shopping cart and were setting out to the next town, since this one didn’t have much in the way of long-term survival prospects. Korey started following us at the edge of town, then stole some supplies right out of the cart I was pulling.

When I looked in the cart, he’d actually only taken 8 metal arrows. I was kind of annoyed, but seeing has how it was the apocalypse and humanity was now an endangered species, I wasn’t going to kill him over a few arrows. I did, however, threaten him and tell him to GTFO. Korey turned hostile and started fleeing. I was going to let him escape, but then he stopped running, came back started punching Ash, who was kind of a melee combat beast, armed with a fire axe and wearing an armored jacket. Despite calling himself a “killer for hire,” Korey was apparently unarmed, and even though he eventually landed a couple blows on Ash, he was completely unable to hurt him.

Anyway, after a while Ash had had enough, and hacked him mightily with his axe a few times. After grievously wounding one of the few living humans in a massively unfair fight, I think Ash started feeling sorry for him, because he eventually stopped hitting Korey and just stood there dodging punches. I tried to leave again, but Korey kept following Ash and punching him ineffectually, so eventually I decided to end the fight more…permanently.

RIP Korey. I have no idea how you survived as long as you did.

Here lies Dickhead McAsshole. YOu saw a zombie near my church full of three month’s of looting and decided to burn him (And it at the same time), but you never even saw the frigging landmine.

I hate you and may you rot in hell for making me homeless… and thanks for the batteries, my flashlight went down.

[quote=“dragoduval, post:26, topic:11986”]Here lies Dickhead McAsshole. YOu saw a zombie near my church full of three month’s of looting and decided to burn him (And it at the same time), but you never even saw the frigging landmine.

I hate you and may you rot in hell for making me homeless… and thanks for the batteries, my flashlight went down.[/quote]

And this is why when I do stationary bases, loot stays in the basement.

Here lies some once-survivor. You tried to join me at the beginning of my adventure, and instead of joining me in operation “run the fuck away from the horde”, you decided to be a hero, and facetank the zombies.

I never actually confirmed you died. I never came back. Maybe somewhere out there, you’re still fighting, face first against shockers and hulks. Godspeed, once-survivor, godspeed.

Here lies Neida Werner

I recruited you from a refugee center
We had good times running from zombies
Funny enough, it was my turrets what did you in
You never had the sense to stay in the van

Seriously, she just ran out there to murder a nightstalker and my turbolaser blew her up. I probably should have told her to stay out of fights.

You got me good with that one, guy.

Here lies Scarlett Hansen.
Died Spring, Day 27.

Crack marksman, good teacher, and maybe a little too streetwise.
Given a traditional burial in a burning car.
You will be missed.

Scarlett and I met in an apple orchard in spring, me looking for a new home, her practicing her masterful rifle skills out among the blooming trees. When I asked if there was anything I could do for her, she asked if I could take her to her house in the middle of nowhere. (Something about computer files.) I cooked her dinner, she trained me in handguns, and then we spent the night there.

In the morning, when I went to say goodbye, she stole a bunch of my stuff and fled to the south. I chased her for half a day through an infested city, just wanting to make her give my stuff back - or maybe, just wanting to see her one last time. For a while, she was able to use the Z’s she attracted to slow me down, but eventually she was surrounded, ran out of ammo, and was ripped to pieces right in front of me before I could get close enough to help.

I left a handful of dandelions there on the pavement.

[quote=“Blue_J, post:30, topic:11986”]Here lies Scarlett Hansen.
Died Spring, Day 27.

Crack marksman, good teacher, and maybe a little too streetwise.
Given a traditional burial in a burning car.
You will be missed.

Scarlett and I met in an apple orchard in spring, me looking for a new home, her practicing her masterful rifle skills out among the blooming trees. When I asked if there was anything I could do for her, she asked if I could take her to her house in the middle of nowhere. (Something about computer files.) I cooked her dinner, she trained me in handguns, and then we spent the night there.

In the morning, when I went to say goodbye, she stole a bunch of my stuff and fled to the south. I chased her for half a day through an infested city, just wanting to make her give my stuff back - or maybe, just wanting to see her one last time. For a while, she were able to use the Z’s she attracted to slow me down, but eventually she was surrounded, ran out of ammo, and was ripped to pieces right in front of me before I could get close enough to help.

I left a handful of dandelions there on the pavement.[/quote]

+1

Let this post stand as a memorial to all NPC’s who never had a chance to spawn due to config settings.

Here lay what remains of Harry Silva.
Died mid-spring.

A hell of a fighter, but INT must have been his dump stat.
Currently stuck in a perpetual time loop that always seems to end with him committing an act of autodefenestration due to NPC coding !!FUN!!.

Charlotte Hall

I meet you on the sixth day of Spring. You were so friendly, perhaps too friendly. Turns out, you were in trouble. The ‘Eater of the Dead’ was pursuing you. I decided to aid you. I could use an ally, plus maybe you could teach me something of value. Turns out, this Jabberwock was within 100 feet of us. Surprise.

But, with my trusty M1014, I dealt with him. I felt fortunate, I had a cold. I wanted to speak with you afterwards, but you ran off, attempting to loot some buildings or something. I don’t know. Perhaps if you would have slowed down to talk, I could have found out.

You walked straight into a minefield. A fitting death for someone who would bring a jabberwock to descend upon me. I will be glad to recycle your belongings, clearly you’re no longer fit to use them.

Here lies an idiot, you told me to drop my weapon and told me to leave or you would kill me, I stayed away from you and you decided I should die anyway, so you got a shotgun blast to the face, at least you were delicious.

Here lies an NPC I hardly remember. He jumped out of the back of my car to pulp zombie corpses. While I was going at 70 miles an hour.

npcs have no business bashing corpses by default.

waste of time stamina and ass backwards to their other settings ‘dont bash’ and ‘dont close doors’

Here lies 47 John and Jane Does.

All tried to rob me, were bandits, or teased me for being a horrible freak.

I would say RIP if there was anything left to do so.

Here lies Urist Flaherty, week one to year two.
You were a godsend when we met in that pharmacy while you were looking for antibiotics, and I was trying to evade fast zombies. You offered aid in the form of your pickaxe being buried in one of the zombies’ gray matter. We survived together. Thrived together. Until you leapt off my deathmobile at 89 miles per hour.
His last words were, "Hold on! I want to pulp that zombie corpse!"
You always placed others’ interests ahead of your own. Godspeed, Urist. May your pickaxe striking the earth in my hands honor your lost soul.

Here lies Joe Average

Left behind after sustaining horrible injuries

Helped me fight 15-20 zombies. We won.

Around 2PM- Spring, Day 1